Kindergarten Sam

My Boy...

My Baby...

My little Sam I am...

How did this day creep up so quickly? 

I'm seriously at a loss of how to explain my emotions today.  

I really am mostly excited and happy to start this chapter in our lives, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't even the slightest bit sad and overwhelmed by it all.

THIS ^^^^^

Is how I still see my baby boy when I look at him.  

The sweet, innocent, always smiling, happy, precious, fun, flirty, energetic, perfect baby boy.  

When I think about how this baby boy of mine has now embarked upon his school days, it really begins to tug at my heart strings. 

Granted, I am super excited for the added ME time and new beginnings that have come my way...

BUT part of me still wants to be that stay-at-home mom I have been for the last 7 years.

It's what I know and who I am.

As I mentioned before, HERE, I often find myself wishing I had a pause button or rewind button for our life.  What I would give to go back to moments like this with my little ones... 

(Note: Please ignore my totally obnoxious baby talk.  We are all guilty of this right? Totally lame of me I know.)

I miss those sweet baby grins, coos, and giggles.

I miss the sweet smell of their baby skin.

I miss their cute kissable little toes.

I miss them being entirely dependent upon me.

Selfish right?

Who cares, EVERY mother out there totally gets what I am saying. 

We want our children to need us forever, but slowly their need for us begins to fade.

My baby boy just spent an entire day at school, without me. 

THAT, I think, is what is most difficult for me to take in.

With every year and every milestone that passes us by, my babies need me a little less and less.  

AND

IT'S SO HARD TO LET THEM GO!

Today we walked up to the school and without hesitation Sam walked right up to his classroom door, put his backpack at the front of the line, and took off to the playground.  There was absolutely NO hesitation in his step.  He was ready for this day.  He really acted like an old pro...

Cause ya know, he had watched sissy all year last year so he knew the drill and didn't even need my help.

That's slightly heartbreaking.

Now, I was totally that obnoxious picture taking mom this morning.

Totally obsessive and slightly over-board.

 Snapping pictures of every little step Sam took.  Every possible emotion I could capture.  I needed to remember this day.  It was important to me and to him.  I got some awesome pictures too...

Then my stupid computer decided it would so graciously delete every picture that I took today.

Weird thing is, it was only the pictures I took today... the couple hundred that I had taken prior to today were still there.  It just decided that this moment in time, this milestone of our life, is one that I didn't need to have documented.  

I cried.

Like a wee little baby I cried.

No, worse than that... I uncontrollably cried that really pathetic and embarrassing cry where you can't catch your breath and boogers are pouring out your nose.

Yep, That's the one.

My baby's first day of 

KINDERGARTEN

and all the pictures were gone.

If you ask me, that just plain old SUCKS!

I called up my sweet, beautiful, talented friend Shelley

(check out her blog HERE... Really, she's amazing)

to see if she knew how to get them back and she so graciously offered to bring her camera to the school for me when I picked him up to ensure that I was able to get at least SOME pictures from his first day.  I took my camera along too, but considering the events of the day I wasn't too trusting of it.

I'm SO GLAD that she did too cause she captured this VERY awesome, TOTALLY priceless, MOMENT OF A LIFETIME...

Brought to you courtesy of  Shelley @ House of Smiths

Yep, that's right!  

I'm just SO busy and really important.

"I'm kind of a big deal right now!"

See what I mean about talent? 

And she was even able to capture my "good" side...

By that I mean my right, NOT my rear I swear!

Okay, okay... Back to my boy.

I was able to get some pictures when I went to pick him up from school.  I made my way into the classroom in those last ten minutes and snapped a few shots of him enjoying his class and friends,

both old and new.  We lucked out and got Mrs. Wilkin for a teacher this year.  She was Brenna's teacher last year and we all just LOVE her.  Sam also has a couple of people he already knows in class with him as well. His buddy Jake was in his preschool class and also takes karate with him.  Sweet little Lexi is the daughter of a long time family friend of Bill's and now myself.  

Photo Courtesy of Shelley @ House of Smiths

Sam came home FULL of excitement.  He let me know that they get 3 recesses in Kindergarten (which was his favorite part) and that he got to eat breakfast for lunch.  

"Mom, you know those things that are like waffles, but they're NOT waffles and you dip them in syrup?"

That's what he had for lunch.

HE LOVES KINDERGARTEN!

We did however learn that he had a bit of a melt down at lunch.  Not really melt down I guess, but rather a bit of confusion... accompanied by his stubbornness. 

Sam insisted that I was coming to eat lunch with him.  He wouldn't sit with his class because he was going to sit with me. It took the teachers a bit to convince him it was okay to sit with his class and that I could sit with him when I showed up.

Unfortunately, I never showed up.

I never intended to eat lunch with him today... I was working.

At one point in the weeks leading up to school starting I had told Sam that it was cool that I would be working at his school because that meant that I would be able to come and eat lunch with him sometimes.  I didn't mean today AND I didn't mean everyday.

He, however, thought that is exactly what I meant.

We have since worked that little bit of misinformed information out and he seems to be understanding of the fact that I won't be eating with him on a daily basis.

Let's hope that tomorrow goes a bit more smooth for his teachers.

Photo Courtesy of Shelley @  House of Smiths

I love this boy more than words can express.  I'm proud of the little man he is becoming.  I am excited to continue to watch him grow, advance, and succeed in life.  I am HONORED to be his Mommy. 

I love you son, To the moon and back.

Xoxo

Here's to Kindergarten and many more milestones to come.

Brenna's First Day of 1st Grade...

Once upon a time,

I had two kids in diapers...

and now,

I have two kids in school ALL DAY!

It's really bitter sweet....

(Sam doesn't start until Thursday, so his post will come later this week)

THIS is all about BRENNA today!

My baby girl...

Where did the time go?

It seems like just yesterday that I was watching her learn to walk, talk, getting her first hair cut, potty training, and kissing her boo boo's all better.

It seems like just yesterday that she needed me and now here we are, a blink of an eye later, and she is so grown up.

Turning 7 soon and Miss Independent.  

No boo boo's to kiss better...

She doesn't need me like she used to anymore.  

I spent a great deal of time this weekend looking through old pictures and videos in an attempt to locate some important pictures I needed, but rather found myself consumed by this overwhelming feeling of... 

Sadness isn't the right word cause I'm so happy to watch my kids learn and grow and become amazing people, but sadness is what I am going with.  

I cried.

A LOT!

I can't believe how much of my children's lives I had forgotten already...

In regards to Brenna I had forgotten just how sweet her little baby voice was, just how precious her little giggle was, and just how heart melting her little grin was.

As I looked at these pictures and videos I was reminded of just how precious these years with my kids have been.

I was reminded of just how quickly time flies and how easily it is to get caught up in the everyday.

I was reminded that I need to SLOW DOWN and appreciate the years to come.

I am so proud of the little lady my Lou is becoming,

but sometimes I wish I had a pause button, or rewind button, so I could enjoy these stages in life just a bit longer.  

Happy First Day of FIRST GRADE my Brenna Lou...

Mommy loves you to the moon and back!

New Beginnings

Well,

This doesn't come as a surprise to most as I was so excited to announce my new job when the offer came through.

Though that offer came through verbally, 

I was still left waiting for a great deal of time for the official hire letter and schedule to come in the mail.

I went in and had my fingerprints done for my background check a few weeks ago and was left with that same anxious feeling I had after I interviewed for this new job.  

I am pleased to announce that my hire letter finally came and it's all official.  I even spent an hour on the phone this morning with the teacher I will be working along side with.

She filled me in on some of the procedures, what to expect, and gave me all the reassurance that I have been so desperately in need of.  It was nice to get to know her a little on a personal level too.  Of course, this comes as no surprise living in Magna, we have several acquaintances in common. Her son went to school with my husband so she is familiar with some of his friends too.

  

Let me just say, this is EXACTLY why I love this lil' ol' town... No matter who you meet, you are bound to have acquaintances in common.  The term "it's a small world" doesn't really apply in Magna, because everyone literally knows everyone or has ties to everyone anyway.  I'm new to all of this though, so the small town community feel this place has is something I am learning to appreciate about where I live and now work.

Though, I must admit there have been those few times that I have been completely caught off guard by just how much people you don't even know know about you. And then those awkward moments when people from your past (aka ex boyfriends/girlfriends) appear at the most unexpected times seem to happen far more frequently in little towns like this too.
Bill and I have both had those moments over these past couple years.

It does take some getting use to. 

BUT, I wouldn't trade living here for anything.


Okay, back to the "new beginnings,"
In more recent days, as I have become more focused on preparing myself and family for this change in our lives, I have become far more aware of just how much the idea of me having a job is effecting my family.  Brenna mostly.  I have been writing down all the days prior to them starting school that I have to work and focusing on babysitters for those few weeks.  I can just see the stress in Brenna's eyes when I mention just a few short weeks that I will be at work and they will be with a sitter.  I'm not sure why, but Brenna has always been stuck to me like glue.  She is totally okay going to school or playing at a friends house and having that time away from me, but for some reason knowing that I won't be at home where she is use to me being throws her for a loop.  Even if Bill and I talk about a date night and her having a sitter for just a couple hours gives her the worst anxiety.  I am really struggling with how to ease her concerns and anxieties as there really is no need for her to be upset by me working, but she is.  
We even began discussing what our daily routine will be when they start school.  I suggested that she walk to her brother's classroom, pick him up, then them both walking to my classroom together when school is out to wait for me to be ready to leave.  She didn't like this.  
She doesn't do well with change.
I was there to pick her up every day after school last year and she wants me to be there again, but I simply can't.  With this new job comes additional obligations, which really don't change a whole lot about how we did things last year.  I will still be at the school and I will still go home with them and life will be just as it was before.  The only difference is I won't be waiting outside her classroom, I will simply be right down the hall, where she has to come to me.


I think I have begun to ease her anxiety a bit.  We both agreed that I will provide a calendar visible to the whole family with the days she will need a sitter written down so that she can plan for it and get used to the idea of me not being at home that day.  
She seems a bit more at ease with this idea, but we will see when those days arrive... and they are creeping up on me quickly!


I start training on the 16th of this month followed by a couple weeks of meetings, classroom prep, and parent orientation.  I took a 90 day break from school this summer so I could focus on my kids and ensure that we got some good quality time in together before they are both in school full time.  It was a good decision.  I was told that if I took this time off it would be difficult for me to go back.  I refused to believe that at the time. However, I am beginning to see what those who told me that meant.  I had so much I needed to get done for school in those 90 days that I just simply didn't do.  No excuses, I just didn't do it.  After over two years straight of school with no break I just enjoyed my break far too much and lost sight of those important things I needed done.  And now I am starting a new job and feel I need some additional time to fall into a routine with work before taking on school again. (I also need to get those things done that I didn't do)  
I am contacting my school this week to apply for an additional 60 days of leave.  This will put me back in school at the end of October, but I need it.  I would hate to take on too much all at once and let myself or someone else down.  
I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that person that takes a break and then doesn't follow through with the plan to go back...  And I'm not that person, I just need more time.
(That's what they all say right?)
The only reassurance I can give myself that I am not that person is that I am totally motivated and desperate to finish my degree... 
Those student loans that are hanging over my head now are also pushing me to finish.  
And I will.  


Can you tell I am feeling REALLY guilty for extending my once 90 day break an additional 60? I keep having this need to convince myself that I am doing the right thing by making this decision, but let's be honest I don't think I will ever be fully confident of my decision.  I'm just living by the moment and at this moment it feels right.  Though I may have a different opinion a few months from now.  Who knows.  


My nerves are setting in as I sit here writing things down on calendars.  It seems to have become more real now that I am putting it on paper, if that makes any sense at all.
I am nervous that I won't be cut out for this job.  I'm nervous that it may be too much of a sacrifice for my family.  I'm nervous to let people down.  I'm even nervous about sitting in front of little 3 and 4 year olds, all eyes focused on me.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's real.  I'm nervous to interact with parents, and nervous of the potential judgments that could come my way due to my appearance.... Most of all though I am nervous of failure.  I have been working so long and hard for this opportunity and now that it is here I am totally caught off guard by all the emotions involved.  A dream that I have had since I was a wee little one in elementary is finally beginning to come true, and what if I'm not good at it?
THAT'S what SCARES me MOST!


What I hope comes of this is a long future of personal successes.  A long future of helping children succeed; influencing them and directing them to their own dreams come true.  
A long future of providing for my family and teaching my own children through example that a dream can be a reality if you work hard enough to achieve it.  
I hope that I am cut out for what my future teaching career holds.
I hope I am ready for it, cause my future starts right
NOW!