Well,
This doesn't come as a surprise to most as I was so excited to announce my new job when the offer came through.
Though that offer came through verbally,
I was still left waiting for a great deal of time for the official hire letter and schedule to come in the mail.
I went in and had my fingerprints done for my background check a few weeks ago and was left with that same anxious feeling I had after I interviewed for this new job.
I am pleased to announce that my hire letter finally came and it's all official. I even spent an hour on the phone this morning with the teacher I will be working along side with.
She filled me in on some of the procedures, what to expect, and gave me all the reassurance that I have been so desperately in need of. It was nice to get to know her a little on a personal level too. Of course, this comes as no surprise living in Magna, we have several acquaintances in common. Her son went to school with my husband so she is familiar with some of his friends too.
Let me just say, this is EXACTLY why I love this lil' ol' town... No matter who you meet, you are bound to have acquaintances in common. The term "it's a small world" doesn't really apply in Magna, because everyone literally knows everyone or has ties to everyone anyway. I'm new to all of this though, so the small town community feel this place has is something I am learning to appreciate about where I live and now work.
Though, I must admit there have been those few times that I have been completely caught off guard by just how much people you don't even know know about you. And then those awkward moments when people from your past (aka ex boyfriends/girlfriends) appear at the most unexpected times seem to happen far more frequently in little towns like this too.
Bill and I have both had those moments over these past couple years.
It does take some getting use to.
BUT, I wouldn't trade living here for anything.
Okay, back to the "new beginnings,"
In more recent days, as I have become more focused on preparing myself and family for this change in our lives, I have become far more aware of just how much the idea of me having a job is effecting my family. Brenna mostly. I have been writing down all the days prior to them starting school that I have to work and focusing on babysitters for those few weeks. I can just see the stress in Brenna's eyes when I mention just a few short weeks that I will be at work and they will be with a sitter. I'm not sure why, but Brenna has always been stuck to me like glue. She is totally okay going to school or playing at a friends house and having that time away from me, but for some reason knowing that I won't be at home where she is use to me being throws her for a loop. Even if Bill and I talk about a date night and her having a sitter for just a couple hours gives her the worst anxiety. I am really struggling with how to ease her concerns and anxieties as there really is no need for her to be upset by me working, but she is.
We even began discussing what our daily routine will be when they start school. I suggested that she walk to her brother's classroom, pick him up, then them both walking to my classroom together when school is out to wait for me to be ready to leave. She didn't like this.
She doesn't do well with change.
I was there to pick her up every day after school last year and she wants me to be there again, but I simply can't. With this new job comes additional obligations, which really don't change a whole lot about how we did things last year. I will still be at the school and I will still go home with them and life will be just as it was before. The only difference is I won't be waiting outside her classroom, I will simply be right down the hall, where she has to come to me.
I think I have begun to ease her anxiety a bit. We both agreed that I will provide a calendar visible to the whole family with the days she will need a sitter written down so that she can plan for it and get used to the idea of me not being at home that day.
She seems a bit more at ease with this idea, but we will see when those days arrive... and they are creeping up on me quickly!
I start training on the 16th of this month followed by a couple weeks of meetings, classroom prep, and parent orientation. I took a 90 day break from school this summer so I could focus on my kids and ensure that we got some good quality time in together before they are both in school full time. It was a good decision. I was told that if I took this time off it would be difficult for me to go back. I refused to believe that at the time. However, I am beginning to see what those who told me that meant. I had so much I needed to get done for school in those 90 days that I just simply didn't do. No excuses, I just didn't do it. After over two years straight of school with no break I just enjoyed my break far too much and lost sight of those important things I needed done. And now I am starting a new job and feel I need some additional time to fall into a routine with work before taking on school again. (I also need to get those things done that I didn't do)
I am contacting my school this week to apply for an additional 60 days of leave. This will put me back in school at the end of October, but I need it. I would hate to take on too much all at once and let myself or someone else down.
I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that person that takes a break and then doesn't follow through with the plan to go back... And I'm not that person, I just need more time.
(That's what they all say right?)
The only reassurance I can give myself that I am not that person is that I am totally motivated and desperate to finish my degree...
Those student loans that are hanging over my head now are also pushing me to finish.
And I will.
Can you tell I am feeling REALLY guilty for extending my once 90 day break an additional 60? I keep having this need to convince myself that I am doing the right thing by making this decision, but let's be honest I don't think I will ever be fully confident of my decision. I'm just living by the moment and at this moment it feels right. Though I may have a different opinion a few months from now. Who knows.
My nerves are setting in as I sit here writing things down on calendars. It seems to have become more real now that I am putting it on paper, if that makes any sense at all.
I am nervous that I won't be cut out for this job. I'm nervous that it may be too much of a sacrifice for my family. I'm nervous to let people down. I'm even nervous about sitting in front of little 3 and 4 year olds, all eyes focused on me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's real. I'm nervous to interact with parents, and nervous of the potential judgments that could come my way due to my appearance.... Most of all though I am nervous of failure. I have been working so long and hard for this opportunity and now that it is here I am totally caught off guard by all the emotions involved. A dream that I have had since I was a wee little one in elementary is finally beginning to come true, and what if I'm not good at it?
THAT'S what SCARES me MOST!
What I hope comes of this is a long future of personal successes. A long future of helping children succeed; influencing them and directing them to their own dreams come true.
A long future of providing for my family and teaching my own children through example that a dream can be a reality if you work hard enough to achieve it.
I hope that I am cut out for what my future teaching career holds.
I hope I am ready for it, cause my future starts right
NOW!
