Loss, Tragedy and Life Lessons...

It seems that with every tragedy a valuable life lesson is soon revealed.... 

For some reason death has been lurking around every single corner I seem to turn these past two months.  Just as I begin to think, "this has to be it...." I am proven wrong with yet another heartbreaking loss.  Some of the loss is not so directly related to us, such as the recent death of my younger brother's grandfather (on his dad's side) and the most recent loss (as of Wednesday) of a dear friend to my mother, but even that kind of loss makes your heart ache just a little because you have to witness the hurt and sadness of people you love dearly. Your heart hurts for those hurting.  Then there is the loss of those that age has finally taken it's toll and the circle of life here on earth comes to an end.   Such as with the recent passing of my Great-Grandmother and Great Aunt (both within less than two weeks of one another).  Though they lived a long, wonderful life your heart aches just a little because their presence will be no more, they will no longer be where you are so used to them being.  Then there are those losses that you have been able to prepare yourself for.  Such as in the recent passing of our dear friend John (read about that here in case you missed it).  Loss like this, though it was expected and there was time to prepare, the ache in your heart is a little bit more painful and requires some time for healing.  There was still life left to be lived, memories to be made, but our maker had different plans.  The time that was given to prepare was greatly appreciated, but in all honesty how much can one really prepare for a loss?  For a loss of a friend that has touched your life as much as he did in the short time you knew him?  It's hard and it hurts, but you press forward.  I can say that through all of these losses this past couple months I have been waiting for that one thing I am suppose to learn through it all... in hopes that with that lesson the death will lay off for a little while.  With each of these losses I gained a greater appreciation for my family, my friends, my life, and every single person in it.  I have gained a greater appreciation for the moments that so quickly pass us by, trying very hard to take in each of those moments with greater care.  Trying very hard not to take life and those in it for granted.  I thought these were the things I was meant to take with me through life by way of such a quantity in loss... I'm grateful for this heightened sense of appreciation in my life.

BUT THEN....

Tragedy strikes.  What I mean by tragedy is the loss of not one, but two individuals that are far to young and that came so very unexpectedly.  Not only is the fact that lives were lost so young a tragedy in and of itself, but add a beautiful wife and two adorable children to the mix... a young new family left behind by the one they call a husband and a father.  It's tragic.  One that makes the hearts of even strangers ache.  I'm sure that many have heard about and read about the two duck hunters gone missing in the Great Salt Lake that  unfortunately didn't make it home to their families alive.  In case you haven't, google it.  There are stories everywhere regarding this tragedy (Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, and Here just to name a few).  Now this particular tragedy hits far too close to home with us.  You know those people in your life that though they aren't exactly family, you have grown to love them as such anyway.  Those people that aren't exactly family, but they have been around long enough to see you through several mile stones, to see you through good times and even bad times making the bond with those people even greater and tighter.  Those people in your life that were there to witness more than just a few of life's greatest and most dear moments.  Well the Hardman family has been those people for Bill for nearly all his life and have been those people for me for the past 13 years.  Not only were they around to be a great support to me through Bill's deployment, they were there in support of one of our greatest commitments in life; our wedding.  Not just there to support us, but participate in the event as well.  One Hardman as the best man and another performing the ceremony, along with others in the family cheering us on from their seats.  They were there with welcoming arms as we brought our little ones into the world, taking them on as their own grandchildren, nieces/nephews, cousins.  They have been there through some of the roughest patches in our lives cheering us on every step of the way.  Not only have they watched us grow and change, we have been able to witness these same milestones in their lives as well.  Weddings, babies, graduations, missions... you name it, we've been lucky enough to be a part of their world as well.

 They have been great friends and even better family.  We love them to our core and to have this tragedy strike their family was a huge loss for our family as well.  

There are a few memories of Logan that I wanted to share.  I can pretty much sum up these memories in a few short words and everyone who knows him will know exactly what I am talking about... Quiet, Afro, Hammock, MRE's, and Smile.

Who knows what I am referring to in these words?  

If you don't, let me explain. When I entered into the family Bill had to reassure me more than once that Logan didn't not like me... he was just quiet.  Something I learned to enjoy about Logan because his quiet nature meant that when he did speak, what he had to say was worth hearing.  I got to bear witness to the afro phase in Logan's life.  I can attest to the fact that I have never seen, nor do I think I will ever again see a white kid with such a kick ass afro.  I personally liked his afro hair... It had character, personality.  It was awesome, though some may disagree.  I recall a time having walked into Logan's bedroom for some reason or another and seeing his hammock, which replaced his bed.  Funny thing is this didn't strike me as odd as it would others, it was just Logan.  That doesn't mean that it didn't make me laugh... Only Logan.  I'm not quite certain how long that hammock remained in place of his bed, but I think it was awhile. I remember the first time Bill gathered up some MRE's (Meal Ready to Eat) to take over to Logan.  Now that I thought was odd... who would eat an MRE because the WANT to, not because the have to?  I'll tell you who, Logan.  Has anyone ever eaten one of those?  My personal opinion is they are quite.... interesting??? (for lack of a better word).  Just add water to everything... including meat.  Yeah, no thanks.  Logan enjoyed them though and Bill was more than willing to share them with him.  Last, but not least, Logan had one of the MOST contagious smiles I have ever seen.  One that I know for fact got him out of trouble more than once.  Probably more than a few dozen times actually.  With a smile like his you could get away with most anything.  That smile won over the hearts of many I'm sure. These are just some of the things I learned about Logan in the years I have known the Hardman family.  Things that stand out in the last 13 years.    

Now, back to where I was headed with this post... Life lessons.  

This tragic loss of Logan and his friend Chad was not just a loss for their families and friends, these losses were felt by an entire community.  The impact these losses have had on the community I live in has been very overwhelming to see.  Everywhere you turn someone is somehow connected to one of the two families and everyone wants to know how, why.   Everyone is struggling with the why.... It's overwhelming.  One thing is for certain, only God knows why.  This is where my great life lesson comes in.  GOD.  As I have sat back and watched the aftermath of these tragedies unfold there has been one major stand out thing surrounding it all, the strength in the Hardman family.  In all the years I have known them I have never really paid much attention to the tight bonds and the power behind this family.  I knew that they had touched many lives, mine being one of them, but I never realized the magnitude of those who also loved this family as I do, as we do.  The outpouring of love, kindness, and concern for this amazing family is nothing short of amazing.  I couldn't think of a family more deserving either.  For days after the tragedy occured I sat back in awe of just how amazing the Hardman family was handling their loss and of just how strong they all were.  I found myself envying the family they have and the bonds they share.  I found myself wondering what it is that they have done in their lives to create such a tight nit family unit, one that doesn't break even in the most darkest of days.  Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, family I wouldn't trade for the world. Between both Bill and myself, we are blessed with some amazing people as family, but I have never (not even in our families) seen a family with such bonds as the Hardman's have.  I began to not be just in wonder of what it is that makes them so tight of a family, but rather needing to know.  I want this same bond in my life with my family.  I want my children to love one another with the same depth as this family loves one another.  I want to be as close with my mom, dad, brothers, and sisters as the Hardman's are with each other.  I want the same in Bill's family.  As I sat there in the funeral service for Logan it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The bond that holds this family together is God.  This family has been given a solid spiritual foundation to build their lives upon.  Whether their faith be one that I or anyone else agrees or disagrees with, that doesn't matter.  What matters is they have been given that foundation.  Through their spiritual beliefs they have bonded.  They know what it means to be a family.  They rely on one another.  They love unconditionally.  

Do I think that every family needs to have some kind of faith or spirituality to be as this family is?  No.  To each their own.  What I do know is that I have learned that for my little family this is what is lacking.  This tragedy enlightened me on my personal need to teach my children some sort of spirituality.  Do we pray?  Yes.  Do we believe in God? Yes.  Do we believe in life after death? Yes.  This is the most we have ever taught our children.  I know that this alone will not be enough to sustain a solid foundation though.  I need more than this and so do my children.  In the few days following the funeral, faith and spirituality have really been weighing heavy on my mind.  I am not yet confident in teaching my children how to be spiritual or to show them the way to finding their own faith because I am still so unsure in what I believe, but there is only one place to start... I need to explore this side of myself.  Not too long ago I felt that I was making headway in my beliefs through reading the bible and studying different beliefs, but all that came to a halt when that ever so dreaded confusion set it.  So I stopped searching for answers and knowledge.  I have learned that I can't do that anymore because my kids deserve to have the most solid foundation for life that Bill and I can provide them...  spirituality and faith needs to be a part of that.  

It seems that with every tragedy a valuable life lesson is soon revealed... What is mine you ask?

I need to find God.  I need to find faith.  I need to find spirituality.

I have Logan and the Hardman's to thank for this.   

The dust is proof enough of how long it's been since I picked this book up.

Tonight I dug out my bible... wiped off the dust and opened it to where I last placed my book mark.  In my whole bible there is only one verse highlighted and it read....

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the other, so that you do not do what you want."

Funny this is all that is highlighted in my bible... seems I have been been stuck in this battle of the contrary for quite some time now.

The verse on the front of my bible reads...

"Trust the Lord with all your Heart..."  

Maybe I've been stuck in the contrary because I haven't found out how to come by that trust it speaks of right on the front.  Here's to letting go of fear and committing to figuring this all out. 

To the Hardman Family:
I want you guys to know that though I know that my personal lessons through all this really isn't likely to be much comfort to you, through your love and example in this tragic time I have learned so much about what I need in my own life.  I have been made more aware of changes I need to make in myself in order to sustain a life with meaning, a life in which my children will thrive.  I have been given a great example of the family I hope to raise.  I look up to you all and hope that my family can one day set the example for others as you have set for us.  I am grateful for the continued presence you have all had in my life.  I am grateful to have grown to know you all and love you all.  Thank you for letting me and my family be a part of yours. 

To Everyone Else:
If you are wondering how you can go about helping this amazing family, donations can be made in Logan Hardman's name at any Zions Bank location.  His wife, children, and family have a long road of emotional healing ahead of them and it is unfortunate that they will be left with some financial burdens as well.  Every little bit helps, so if you can, I encourage you to donate.  Knowing this family personally I can assure you that no amount will go unappreciated.    

Logan and his Sweet Family.

Also there is a fundraiser being held for Logan's family this coming Saturday, Dec. 1st.  Details below.  

A sincere Thank You to you all.