It has been a WHIRLWIND of a week.
June 1st set the path for some major changes in the future of my family.
That story to come in a future post. First I wanted to talk about this...
Some lessons I learned about life...
My thoughts start out with this quote a friend of mine posted on her blog Tuesday night.
"Treat your parents with loving care... For you only know their value, when you see their empty chair."
*SOBBING*
Tuesday night I was home, laying in bed, trying everything in my power to turn off my mind. I had spent the entire afternoon at the hospital, with my sisters and step-mom, all surrounding the hospital bed my dad was lying in. Unsure of what the future would hold for our family. He was alive, awake, talking, and even laughing with us, but I was still left grasping at straws for positive thoughts while I sat there watching my "SUPER HERO" dad try to be strong for his baby girls.
I'm not sure how anyone else sees their dad, but in my eyes (yes even at 29 years old) my dad is invincible. He is better than strong; he's empowering. He's my Rock.
So how is it, why is it, that my SUPER HERO DAD is the one lying in a hospital bed, so scared, vulnerable, stressed, sad, and feeling so defeated?
How is it that the man that has the most strong, loving, kind, and big heart was just told that he has a heart that was physically failing him?
I was mad.
I was sad.
I was scared beyond comprehension.
No, I was worse than scared...
I was terrified.
I just wanted to trade him places... I just know couldn't function without my dad here with us.
At 4:30pm on Tuesday, June 5, 2012 I got the most horrific call of my life.
My step-mom was on the other end and she said,
"Jess, I have something to tell you. Your dad is in the hospital, he has had a Heart Attack."
Those two words, Heart Attack, paralyzed me.
I didn't hear what came out of her mouth next all I could hear repeating in my head was "heart attack, heart attack, heart attack..."
And all I could manage to do was crouch down on the floor and scream "No, no, no, no, no..."
My grandmother, his mother, died at 53 from a heart attack.
On my dad's Birthday in January, it was something that was mentioned more than one time because HE was turning 53.
It has been nearly 19 years since his own mother passed away from a heart attack, at the exact same age.
Now, why the dramatic reaction?
Because the realization that he was in the exact same place at the same time as his mom, my mima, was just entirely WAY too much to process.
It took me a minute (okay, way more than a minute) to pull myself together enough and get the details that my poor step-mom was trying so hard to give me.
My dad was in the hospital, he was very scared and stressed, but was okay. That is all the information that she had, aside from his blood pressure was still dangerously high and the doctors were doing all they could to get control of it.
I should have been at ease with this information, but I wasn't. My grandma too had what could be considered a minor heart attack, which resulted in her being in the hospital awaiting many tests just like my dad. Only she never made it to the following day to have those tests done. She suffered a second heart attack while in the hospital that killed her. Okay just wasn't good enough for me. I wanted answers. I wanted to see him, hug him, smell that comforting smell my dad has, and just hold on to him tight and never let go. THAT'S what I wanted, and that's what I needed.
My step-mom explained that he was feeling very overwhelmed and guilty and that he didn't want any of us (his daughters) to come up to the hospital to see him.
Guilty? I thought to myself.
Why would he be feeling guilty or responsible for this?
She explained that he felt as though he had let us girls down. He knew his family history, but hadn't done his best to take care of himself properly. He didn't want us to see him like this.
(I want my dad to know that he has not let me down. There is not anything that he could ever do that would make me love him, need him, or respect him any less. I am VERY proud to call him MY dad.)
(I want my dad to know that he has not let me down. There is not anything that he could ever do that would make me love him, need him, or respect him any less. I am VERY proud to call him MY dad.)
My heart hurt, but I did not want to put any more stress on my dad than he was already putting on himself. All I could do was sit and cry uncontrollably in the embrace of my own beautiful children, while I talked to each of my sisters over the phone in an attempt to try to console one another.
I'm not sure what came over my dad, but it wasn't long before I got a call from him. Just hearing his voice gave me some relief. The conversation was short and the very most I got from it was, I could go see him. I literally RAN out my door, kicked the car into drive, and got to that hospital as fast as I possibly could. I met my little sisters in the parking lot and we took that long, confusing walk through the hospital halls together. We were met soon after by my other two sisters as well. I can't tell you how much I needed to just be there, how much we all just needed to be there, together.
We all just needed to see him, hug him, and just be with him.
While we were there they were able to get his blood pressure to a safer level. We all just sat, talked, and bonded over the next 3 1/2 hours. I think it's safe to say that none of us wanted to leave, but we knew that dad needed rest. So we gathered our things and said our goodbyes.
I can't begin to explain that feeling of saying goodbye to my dad that night. Though I got to see him, hug him, and just be with him... I was still SO scared.
Who knew what the night would bring...
Which is what led me to the longest night of my life...
Consumed by the most unsettling feelings possible.
Lying in my bed, head a jumbled mess, thoughts racing, feeling so vulnerable myself. Trying to wrap some sort of sense around how it was that my SUPER HERO DAD was laying in a hospital bed, so unsure of what his and our future would be.
As I read through my friends blog she shared another quote that said,
"Love the people God gave you, because he will need them back one day."
I have never been given reason to come to terms with the fact that yes, someday I will lose a parent. Not only have I never been given any reason to really contemplate that reality, but I was trying so very hard to deny that was ever a possibility. Maybe I am a bit selfish and unrealistic, but I NEED them still. And up until this event, I felt that the fact I needed them was enough for god to keep them here with me. I don't think that this was just an awakening for my dad and the importance of his health, but it was also a rude awakening for me as well. I know that I will have to deal with the passing of my parents one day. I am trying very hard to accept that right now, though I don't think I will ever be fully prepared for it.
The future still remains so unsure and he has many more visits to the doctors to ensure that he is on the right path to a healthier and much longer life.
Today, my dad is home. Alive.
Tired, but alive...
I am beyond grateful that he is okay.
I am beyond grateful that I did not have to deal with a loss right now when we were all so very unprepared for one.
I am so so so relieved that the big man above knows that I , we, still need my dad more than he does right now.
I am so happy that my dad is given a second chance at life and I know that he too is grateful for it.
I will never take a moment spent with my dad, or anyone in my life for granted ever again.
I am thankful for today and every day I am given with those I love.
Life is the very most precious gift I have been given. I know that now.
And my dad is still my SUPER HERO.
I will leave you with a little something for all my friends and family, old and new. I LOVE YOU all so very much. I promise to not only tell you all that I love you every chance I have, but to also make sure that my actions reflect this love as well.
XOXO
