Sunday, January 10, 2010
Stress, Anxiety, and Coca-Cola... My unhealthy diet.
So, it has been brought to my attention that my current weightloss has become a concern for some of my family and friends. This isn't a post out of anger, but I just want to clarify for everyone that no I am not starving myself. No, I am not taking diet pills. No I am not on drugs. As these are naturally some of the first possible factors that come to mind. To be completely honest, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I am feeling an overwhelming sence of defeat in my life at the moment. All who know me, know that I am a people pleaser and a giver. I don't like tension, therefore I often conform to others wants of me in order to save myself from "dissapointing" the ones I love. Not only do I conform to be what others want me to be, but I have also been know to take ownership or responsibility for situations, that in all reality I are not mine to own. In the past 3 years I feel that everywhere I turn, defeat has been lurking closely behind me. I have tried my best to "deal" with things the way I felt was appropriate, but have recently discovered I have been avoiding having to properly process the effects these situations have really had on me. I can no longer mask the reality of my state of being. I am sad. I am lost. I am alone. Defeat is no longer lurking, defeat has overcome and conquered me. Please don't mistake this as a "pitty party" or me trying to put blame on anyone. I know I am fully to blame for my current state of being, I have created this "false" vision of me, I have allowed there to be expectations of me. Let me let you in on a little secret... as much as I like to pretend I am "perfect" as some may say, I am far from it. I am beyond perfect, I am damaged, so damaged that I fear I am "damaged beyond repair." I can no longer take on the responsibility to "fix" anything and everything. I know I am the one that needs the "fixing" and I can't do it alone. Is this a cry for help? Maybe. I do know one thing for sure, in order to climb and conquer this current "mountain" before me I must surrender myself. I am vulerable, a feeling I very much dislike.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
My poor baby Jess. It's times like these where you need to know you are not alone. Read Luke 11:9-10. Then read Luke 12:22-34. Call me if you need anything.
You are far from unliked. You are loved and thought very highly of, even in your pit of despair and feeling lost. Let those who love you love you. If there has been an out-pouring of concern over your weight loss it is because you are loved and those who love you worry about your well-being. I know you have been stressed, and stress is actually the first thing that came to my mind with the weight loss and other things noticed. I am just sorry that I cannot do anything to help you. If I can, if there IS something I can do to help you, please let me know. Let everyone know. You have help. You have support. You have lots of love available to you.
PS...
I realize that you will have no idea who this is from using this gmail account I have. This is your other mother...love ya.
Ok so I haven't talked to you much lately and didn't know things had gotten so bad but maybe that is the front you put on for everyone. I admire the courage it took for you to write these things and let everyone in but it is NOT all your fault that you are stressed. I am sure there are people in your life that have helped contribute to the stress and maybe they don't know but that is where it is your fault. I know you are a people pleaser, you always have been (that is why you always did the stupid things me and Farelyn told you to)and you don't like confrontation but you need to think about you and your kids first, always! You should be able to tell people when they do thinks you don't like and if they get up set with you maybe they're not worth being in your life. Love you J and I hope things get better.
Love, Shaun
I look up to you a lot. Just wanted to tell you that. I feel the same way lots of times. The weirdest thing ever: The more photography requests I get, the more depressed I get. Why? I don't know. Working on that part!! I know I have talent, it's just one of those weird things. Anyway, you are totally welcome to call or text me anytime, you are the sexiest!
Post a Comment